


The rape

by MavisDracula81



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: F/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:07:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23205964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MavisDracula81/pseuds/MavisDracula81
Summary: Athena got seriously traumatized being on duty. How it will impact her life, her family, her work, her relationships? Will she be able to fully recover?
Relationships: Athena Grant/Bobby Nash
Comments: 48
Kudos: 41





	1. Professional challenge

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Bathenafan14](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bathenafan14/gifts), [Ephiffany](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ephiffany/gifts).



> Inspired by Tim Minear's interview after 3x11 episode was aired. The line "Athena is going to step into a very dangerous place that she may not come back from" made my mind to race, what it's gonna be. Since one of my favorite writers Bathenafan14 encouraged me to come up with my craziest ideas, I've decided to explore it. It is a hard subject of violence, that Athena went through being on duty. I don't know what else could look like "she may not come back from" without her being killed (but I don't even want to imagine that for a second!), so I thought it only can be something as hard as rape. From there Athena will not come back unharmed. Please, don't get me wrong, I ADORE Athena. She's my favorite character and I do NOT want to put her through hell. Blame Tim. I don't know what he prepared for us, so this story is my way to cope with my worries. I do hope I'm overreacting, and my story will be way harder, than we'll see in the show. So the story is basically about rape recovery and PTSD. I'm sorry for whatever you'd blame me, but all in all, it's only my fantasies. I'm not native speaker. Thanks A LOT to my kindest beta & friend - Ephiffany, but remaining mistakes are all mine. The story is planned as multi chaptered. I don't own any copyrights, just a fan of the show. Thank you everyone for reading!

This evening Athena got back from work later than usually. Bobby had a time to cook the whole dinner with May’s assistance while Harry was doing his geography report.

Harry got the task from teacher to do a report about one of the Western European countries. He chose Germany, so Bobby shared with him a few stories about Dusseldorf city, which his dad had told him when Bobby was a kid.

May was usually shy and hidden, so Bobby tried to spend with her as much time as she allowed him to. They became pretty good cooking team. While Bobby was strong in recipes and processing food, May was fast and graceful in cutting veggies and mixing ingredients.

They’ve almost finished the desert, when Athena finally entered the door.

“Hey y’all! Smells great! I think I’m ready to eat an elephant.” – she proclaimed from the doorstep.

“Hey! Was it a hard day? Didn’t you have a lunch?” – asked Bobby coming by and kissing her on cheek. May also pecked Athena on the cheek and decided it’s better go to her room and check her e-mails, while adults are billing and cooing.

“I had lunch, you know that I never miss it,” – smiled Athena kissing him back, - “but after the lunch it was a whole craziness.” – Athena put her purse on the sofa and took off her coat. – “Major Crimes Department is preparing an under cover operation to catch the rapist who leads in the Norma Triangle, and I was patrolling there like 4 times this week, so they asked Elaine if they can use my advices about the neighborhood. So we were driving there and talking and turned out, they plan to send this newbie, Sergeant Laxbermann, a young skinny blond, as alive bait. I just thought it’s a ridiculous plan since the rapist usually attacks black women over 50. I will attract his attention and catch him much faster than this girl.” - Athena grinned and joined Bobby, who began to set the table for the dinner.

“Will your male colleagues be around you all the time?” – Bobby asked. It was the usual protocol for such kind of operations, but he decided to make sure his wife will be protected enough.

“Sure,” - Athena answered, - “they will be, unless I’ll be forced to come into tight space, because they shouldn’t be visible. But they are 5 minutes away, don’t worry. And moreover, Bobby, I’m always able to protect myself, I’m a police Sergeant, remember?”

“Athena, I don’t like your plan”, - Bobby’s face got pale. She already had risked her life not long ago, searching for Emmett’s killer, but that was at least personal matter. Now her participation wasn’t actually needed and was completely avoidable. It wasn’t Athena’s job at all. - “I know, I know you’re capable to do the job, but it’s dangerous, you won’t have any backup, you won’t be safe!”

“Bobby, come on, relax,” – Athena rolled her eyes. – “I have 30 years of experience in dealing with different kind of jerks and scumbags. You told yourself that I always come up with great ideas.” – she half-smiled and poked Bobby a finger under his ribs.

Bobby doomedly bowed his head and sighed.

“I’m against it. Athena, please, I beg you, don’t do it, don’t be so stubborn.” - Bobby said with pleading voice.

Athena made a circle around the table putting cutlery on it, came closer to Bobby and took his face into her hands.

“Baby, I’ll be alright, I promise.” – she kissed him on the lips. – “Let’s have dinner. Kids!! Dinner is ready!!” – she shouted to the upstairs.

Dinner was as fun as always with kids, telling how they’ve spent their day. Harry was talking mostly about his classmates. May was preparing for her final tests to college, so she mostly shared what’s new she had learned today. The conversation was so comfortable and homey, that made Bobby to almost forget about Athena’s dangerous operation.

After Harry washed the dishes and they all came downstairs to get ready to bed, Bobby recalled about the operation again.

Athena was putting the night cream on her face, when Bobby came from behind and laid his hands on her waist.

“What should I do to coax you to cancel your participation in this operation, babe?” – he asked quietly.

Athena turned around. His eyes were all sad and worried. But Athena was going to be firm.

“Bobby, did I ever try to persuade you to not put out a radioactive fire or rush on a bomb-armed guy with bare hands? What did you told me? – you were doing your job (even if you weren’t on duty!), you couldn’t be otherwise, right? So why you suddenly think you have rights to dictate me how to do my job?” – she wasn’t mad, she smiled and teased him running her hands under his T-shirt and then fingers into the hair on his chest.

“That’s not your job, Athena. It’s Srgt. Laxbermann’s job.” – insisted Bobby looking her right in the eyes.

“I know how to do that job more effective and less dangerous. Old wolf has to teach younger ones how to hunt.” – protested Athena in her playful way.

Bobby decided to stop that discussion which obviously lead to nowhere. There was a time to finally react on Athena’s playfulness. Her confidence somehow transferred to him and calmed him down. He caught her hands and brought it to his lips. Pepper kisses started from wrist and got higher. Bobby laid another hand on Athena’s butt and pressed her to himself.

“Oh, no-no-no, mister, no sex today,” – Athena dodged and took off Bobby's hands from her sides.- “I should sleep enough, the operation is scheduled for tomorrow, I gotta be fresh.” – She noticed Bobby’s disappointment on his face and added. – “We’ll celebrate it properly tomorrow after I’m done, promise you!”

“Okay..okay….” - reluctantly, Bobby letting her out of his arms.

After they settled in bed Athena hugged Bobby’s back.

“I love you, Bobby. I love that you care for my safety, I really do.” – she whispered.

“I love you more than I can express…” – whispered Bobby back.

***

TBC..................


	2. The Operation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Operation itself, which failed and lead Athena right to the rapist's trap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried as hard as I could to describe the whole thing as careful as possible. I avoided the graphic depiction of violence, but I'm very sorry if still it was too much. This is the hardest chapter of all the story, I promise next ones will lead us to the light from this dark place.
> 
> Thank you so very much for every "like" and "comment"! I appreciate it more than I can express! Your support means a world to me!

Athena felt a little bit uncomfortable in this purple skirt that was chosen for her by Elaine, so she would better fit to the victim’s profile – very feminine black women around 50, who were stylish, loved dresses, heels and makeup. She also was forced to put on the long straight-haired wig. Strangely enough the suspect had obvious kink to the straight hair, none of his victims wore curls.

“I look almost like Angela Bassett on her latest photos” – Athena thought to herself, looking in the mirror in Elaine’s office. LAPD Headquarters was crowded today, some people didn’t recognized Athena at once they passed her by, which was very funny.

“How do I look?” – she asked Elaine, Srgt.Laxbermann and her colleagues from Major Crimes Department, who prepared the operation.

“Fantastic! Perfect bait, I’d say”, - answered Elaine, checking if the microphone is firmly attached to the inside of Athena’s jacket. –“Athena, I know you know it, but I have to remind you once again, if there is something, that you find dangerous, don’t hesitate to give us signal. The guys will be sitting in the van on the corner of Hilldale Avenue and Cynthia Street and listening to your microphone. “

“Yeah, got it, don’t worry, Elaine, I’m not a rookie.” – smiled Athena.

They drove to the location in 15 minutes. Athena wasn’t nervous, she rather felt adventurous. It was long ago when she participated in under cover operation for the last time. 10 years ago she had a task to get in touch with a drug courier, who was wanted by the Robbery Homicide Department. She had to find out as much information as possible about his businesses, contacts and movements. The operation was successful, Athena got a commendation for it and soon went on maternity leave with Harry. The job wasn’t easy nor safe, but she was always professional, careful and lucky. Now it has to be even easier. It won’t take her months of pretending and living someone else’s life. It is only for a day or two.

The suspect has long been in development at the Robbery Homicide, and with the help of psychologists they calculated his amplitude of murders. All calculations showed that he couldn’t suppress his “hunger” anymore even though he was aware that police is hunting him.

Athena knew that she was a targeted for a white male 40-45 years old, brown hair, gray eyes, average build. He usually shows up on the street, choose his victim, who usually was walking from the shop to shop, meet her, introducing himself as a high school teacher or owner of the window installation business, lure her into a secluded place, and then rape and kill her.

She was walking around the neighborhood all day without seeing any men, whom woud fit the description. It was frustrating to the certain level, but they all knew, that sometimes there are lucky days and there are empty days. Athena got back home late, knowing that tomorrow she has to continue this masquerade until she’d meet the scum. Kids were at Michael’s and Bobby had a night shift, so she took a bubble bath, had a glass of fine red wine and went to bed.

“No news today, we didn’t see the suspect.” – she texted Bobby. – “I’m kinda disappointed, thought I’ll be done with it soon.”

“I hope you’ll catch him tomorrow, because I want my wife in my bed at night. I might have something to surprise you…” – teased Bobby in answer.

“Ahhh, you’re teaser!! I’ll be in your bed anyway, sir, don’t you worry for that. Have a quiet shift and be safe. Love you, baby”. – Bobby smiled and kissed the phone screen, when he read it.

“Kiss you all over, my Queen, sleep well.” – he sent back.

***

The second day of hunting brought no news again. Athena walked back and forth through the streets of the neighborhood, but no one even nearly had any resemblance to the suspect description showed up. At the end of the day she could confess to herself that task appeared to be not as interesting as she expected. She was exhausted. She started to hate her heels and outfit, which bothered her and made her even more bothered.

Her colleagues asked her to stay on until the late darkness, so they would be sure, they didn’t miss any chance. At 11:30 p.m. everybody decided that they had enough and people started to leave the location. Van with the listening equipment drove back to the station. Athena removed her microphone from the lapel of her jacket, put it into her purse and slowly moved towards Harratt Street, where her car was parked. She was passing by Friends of West Hollywood Elementary school, when noticed a male figure, apparently a security guard, moving from the school entrance to the road.

Without any purpose she made an eye contact with this Hispanic chubby man, who was dressed in a cap, brown leather jacket and blue jeans, wore moustache and carried some paper bags in each of his hands.

“Hey, lady, you shouldn’t walk alone over here so late.” – He said. – “We have here some maniac-rapist hunting, who murdered 4 women only this month.”

Athena’s tired mind, relaxed with anticipation of the night in the arms of her husband, didn’t fixate these suspicious words. Police didn’t spread the information about quantity of the victims and it was never stated that all murders was made by one suspect. All, that people in this neighborhood knew was that “attacks on women have become more frequent” and they better be careful and report to police any suspicious people that might look as attackers.

“Oh, yeah, I kinda heard it.” – She answered. – “Did you hear what people say? Who could it be?”

The man smiled and squinted his eyes. “People say beautiful girls better have some company this late hour. How far are you going?”

“Not too far, I almost at the place. My car is parked on Harratt Street.” – Athena said with a smile. There was something calming about this man after two days of intense constant staring at the people and waiting for some handsome elegant psycho to show up all of a sudden. He reminded her one of the neighbors, who lived not far from her parent’s house in Florida. He was cheerful, nimble, and seemed to be respectable family man.

While they were walking, he told her how he worries for his daughters because of the maniac and complained that police seems to not give a damn about that. For a second Athena wanted to tell him, that she is actually the police, who is hunting for the jerk, but decided that man would get tense if he’d hear that.

“Hey, I’m sorry, would you wait for me for a minute? I have to bring these bags to my friend – food for his cats, he lives right here.” – told the security guard, pointing his finger on the nearest house.

“Um..Okay…But, you know, we’re almost there, my car is right behind the corner if I remember right. Thank you for caring, but I think I can manage further myself.” – Athena replied gratefully.

“No, woman, you don’t want to be his fifth victim.” – insisted the man. – “Come with me for a sec, I’ll just drop these bags and lead you to your car being sure you are safe and sound.”

That sounded so much like her father Samuel. Remembering her dad made Athena’s heart soften. He always was the same with all the girls in neighborhood, when he’d noticed them walking alone at nights.

“Ohh… I don’t want to be a trouble for you, you should go home to your daughters really” – Athena protested, but not firmly.

They climbed the steps to the porch of the house. Outside the window, light was on. After a moment, the door opened. Without realizing what’s going on, Athena felt like security guard forcefully shoved her inside the house and closed the door behind her back.

Now the face of the suspect, for whom she hunted two days, was right in front of her. He looked exactly how she imagined him to be – she managed to think before her mind went black due to a strong blow to the head.

***

Athena woke up in a strange room. It was cold and she suddenly felt sick. Her gun wasn’t there and her purse was nowhere to be found. Her head was aching like hell and she couldn't soothe it. "Where am I?" she asked herself. After she gain full consciousness she told herself she wouldn't cry, she wouldn't show a weakness no matter what. Hearing footsteps, she paid attention to the direction they came from and stood up slowly. "Who's there?" Moving herself against the wall, she mentally took in the sounds, smells, and what she could see around her under the moonlight brought in from the small windows.

"Sergeant Grant, finally you are here in my arms.." – Man came into the room.

"How do you know my name?" - When the man stepped into the moonlight she instantly became frightened. She wanted an out, she wanted to leave, she prayed Lord to save her. - "What do you want from me?" - She asked.

The man was slowly walking towards her. "I wanted to see you." - He plainly stated.

Athena got confused. "Why?"

"I wanted to understand why do you think I’m so stupid and clueless. I was watching you walking around all these days… Why do you think I would let you catch me?"

Athena suddenly felt dizzy. She stood against the wall as if it was a protection. Her eyes darted from one end of the room to another looking for a door.

"It's alright Sergeant. I just want to talk." He took a large step closer to her and reached around her back halting her movements for freedom.

"What’s your name?" – Asked Athena. His hands moved over her body as if it belonged to him. Athena tried to dodge out of his reach but it was useless.

"Calm down, Athena. My name is Walter. How come that I know everything about you and you don’t even know my name? Police always sucked, but now I see that you degraded to the lowest point."

Returning her jacket to her shoulders he grabbed her arm and lead her to a seat. As much as she tried to struggle she was afraid if she resisted he'd kill her faster. "Sit." As he shoved her into a seat in front of a mirror or so she thought.

"Turn the light on." Turns out the jerk had a partner. When the light turned on, Athena nearly jumped out of her seat but was stopped by his hand. Walter took handcuffs out of his pocket and untied Athena's wrist replacing it with the handcuffs. She understood that screaming for help wouldn’t do her any good.

Walter’s shirt was covered with blood. She looked up at him trying to suppress the terror in her thoughts.

"Let's have some fun, Sergeant." Walter pulled out a knife and Athena instinctively tried to fight him off. As best as she could with her hands handcuffed she started kicking him. Walter grabbed her by the elbows, tossed to the floor and piled himself up on her with his whole body putting the knife just inches from her throat. Walter moved the knife from her throat and makes a trail down her chest towards her stomach. Athena turned away to the window, not wanting to see the face of the man who wanted to kill her.

Being shoved to the ground was the least of her worries until she felt his hands tears off her clothes below her waist. "NO!" The cold and dampness of the floor caused a chill to run through her body. She could sense there was also Walter’s partner near here, but she couldn't see him. The force that applied to her shoulders to keep her down on her back on the floor was painful. Two men repeatedly assaulted her taking turns and raping her the way that she only read in criminal reports before. Closing her eyes Athena tried to think about happy moments and block out what was happening until she got unconscious again.

TBC..............................................................................


	3. No matter where you go I will find you if it takes a thousand years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The searching for Athena, finding her and accepting their new reality...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is inspired by the beautiful song of Clannad - 'I WIll Find You', the 'Love Theme' in the movie 'The Last Of The Mohicans'.  
> I think it's a perfect soundtrack for this chapter.  
> I know it's highly unlikely, that they would find her so fast in real life, but it is a fanfic and I don't think anybody would be interested in reading 5 chapters about hard searching... So let's pretend that miracles happen and Bobby was just so lucky, lol  
> Thank you everyone, who read and comments! Lots of love!

When Athena didn’t show up at home at midnight and didn’t answer Bobby’s texts and calls, he understood that something went wrong. He hesitated for a second if it’s okay to call Elaine this late, but then decided that it is better to be a panicking broody husband, than a husband who’s losing time while his wife needs help. 

Elaine had no clue what happened to Athena, but she urgently alarmed the entire squad, reassuring Bobby that they were already leaving their homes and would be at the location in 20 minutes. Bobby wouldn’t be allowed to participate actively, but he may join and follow the team too.

They found Athena’s car pretty quickly as it was parked at the same place she parked it that morning. It was clear that she disappeared while walking from the location of their van with equipment to her car. Unless she was taken somewhere else, which was the worst case scenario. Elaine requested videotapes from all available cameras in this neighborhood for the past 24 hours, but they found that cameras weren’t really covering the entire space and corners. The guys noticed Athena passing by Friends of West Hollywood Elementary school and it was the last moment when she was captured by the cameras. 

They started to comb the terrain around school, knocking on the door of every house. There were three houses, where nobody opened. So police entered all three of them. Two houses looked like regular homes, but the third one didn’t seem living. It had no furniture, no supplies, no beds, nothing that a human would need for living. But it had blood on its floor instead. And Athena wasn’t there. 

Bobby felt knots in his stomach watching how policemen collected blood from the floor for analysis. He could only pray this blood wasn’t Athena’s. He knew this operation was dangerous for her, why didn’t she listen… Bobby tried to put these thoughts away and concentrate on praying to God that Athena was alive and they’d find her soon. 

Elaine alarmed all the police over the city and suburbs that Athena is missing. Bobby texted to his team via the group chat: “Athena got in trouble during her undercover operation, we are searching for her with the police, I will let you know if you can help somehow”. Then to chief Alonso: “Chief, my wife Athena is missing, can you please cover my shift, I’m with the police searching for her” and to Michael: “Athena is in trouble due to work. Please, keep kids away from this, I will update you as soon as I have news.”

While police officers tried to investigate whose house they found blood and whose blood it was, the team decided to comb the most secluded places in the city. Bobby asked Rick to join him as he was the closest partner for whom Athena wasn’t just the next missing stranger. 

They were driving street by street, neighborhood by neighborhood, several hours searching and checking all the deserted places suitable for crimes.

"Stop, stop! Pull over. I think I saw something. Turn off the headlights and back up a little." – Bobby told. 

Rick did as he was told, backing the car up several meters until Bobby could get a closer look at what had caught his attention a moment ago. The overgrown driveway of a raggedy old house was covered with a bunch of garbage. He turned to Rick, showing him by the gesture that he’s going to get out of the car.

Whirling around, he made his way as quickly as possible, hoping his partner would hurry up and get there. Running there before Rick wasn't exactly procedure, but he was too worried to turn back or wait. Besides, Rick wasn't exactly one of the fastest people he knew.

It was pure instinct that had him act in time. One second it looked like regular trash scattered on the ground and the next garbage had taken the shape of a human body. Bobby got closer to the body and the next moment, he knew he found his wife. 

“Call the ambulance, we’ve found her!” – he screamed to Rick. – “and please, don’t come closer, she wouldn’t want you to see her like that” – he added quietly. 

Athena was almost naked, apart from a few snatches of her bloodied clothes, no wig, severely wounded and unconscious. Bobby tried to pull her from the trash first and to remove the restraints from her wrists and ankles. 

“Rick, do you have blankets in the car or something similar?” – he asked. 

“Only my son’s baby bedspread.” – Rick rushed to the car. 

“Here…” – after a couple of seconds, he handed Bobby a baby bedspread and his jacket.

“Oh thanks, buddy, I guess this bedspread and my jacket would be enough to cover her for now.” – Bobby responded, wrapping Athena’s lower body into the bedspread and upper body into his jacket.

After he settled Athena on his lap and arms, Bobby started to check her vitals. Her body was warm and her pulse was felt. Apparently the dirtbag decided that he killed her or didn’t bother to check, just got rid of the body in the first suitable place. 

“Babe, do you hear me?” – he said gently, kissing her head, neck and cheeks into the places that were free from blood. – “Please, Athena, wake up, baby..”

The ambulance got there in a couple of minutes. Paramedics relocated Athena on a stretcher, and Bobby noticed a big blood stain that formed on the bedspread. No doubts, she was brutally raped.

Bobby held Athena’s palm in his hands all the way to St.Catherine’s hospital. He wanted to cry and to kill the bastard with his bare hands, but his main concern was would Athena make it through. He kissed her fingers with bloody nails and spoke to her. His voice was calm and soothing, hiding the rage that boiled underneath. "I've got you. You're safe now. He won't hurt you anymore, I promise."

Mumbling quiet words to her, not really caring what he said as long as it sounded calming, Bobby was praying. “Lord, please, she’s gotta make it, please, please, dear Lord.” There were cuts and bruises all over her body and something that looked like cigarette burns. Dried and fresh blood covered her body, apart from other things he didn't want to think about. 

After the ambulance shook violently on a bump in the road, Athena seemed to open her eyes. She began to groan from pain. It took her a while to understand where she was and what’s going on. She was in some car and there were no Walter and his henchman, but she saw Bobby instead. He told her she shouldn’t participate in this operation and he was right. Why she didn’t listen to him, she thought…

“Bobby… don’t get mad on me…” – She said guiltily. Her voice was hoarse, so unlike her usual deep, smooth tone and the thought that she had possibly been screaming for hours without anyone hearing her made Bobby’s stomach drop.

“What are you even talking about, love, I’m so happy you woke up, I’m so happy we found you.” – Bobby started to kiss her face and head wherever he can without causing her pain. 

Suddenly the memories of what she went through a couple of hours ago overwhelmed Athena. Bobby’s face bending over her reminded her of Walter’s, when he raped her. Athena abruptly turned away and began to toss. She felt like she couldn’t breathe. “NO! No! Get away, PLEASE!”- she cried.

The older paramedic had obviously recognized the problem as he approached with a syringe, briefly making eye contact with Bobby, who froze in shock, to make sure he would be ready for any possible reaction. Grasping her hands between his, Bobby held on tightly, never ceasing to talk to her even when the needle sliding into her arm startled her into struggling once more. Whatever she had been given, it worked quickly, making her body relax into oblivion. Gently stroking her limp hands, Bobby made sure he’s ready to get out of the ambulance as they were already near the St.Catherine's.

When they made it through hospital’s entrance, Bobby noticed almost all his 118 team waiting in the lobby. 

Hen approached him first. “How is she?!”

“How did you know we found her and were coming here?” – He asked amazedly. 

“Elaine called Chief Alonso, Chief Alonso called Chim…” – Hen explained. 

“Right…” – Mumbled Bobby. He realized that he didn’t notice anything and anyone around from the moment that he saw the pile of garbage near an abandoned house. – “Can you please text Michael and tell him where we are?”

“Already done, Cap. We kept in touch all the time since he received your text. He understood that it’s better to not bother you, so he wrote to me. How is Athena?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. She’s very injured and mentally traumatized as well, but she woke up in the ambulance. So I just hope for the better.” – Bobby sounded unsure and a little bit lost. 

“Maybe you would like to go and give a statement to someone from the police station? They would probably want to ask you all the details about how you found her…” – offered Buck cautiously.

“No, I wouldn’t go anywhere from here.” – told Bobby quitely, but firmly. – “I will wait for the doctors saying something about Athena’s state.” 

“It’s okay, Bobby, I can take your statement.” – Elaine announced her presence coming closer to the group. – “You know, the blood that we found in the house belongs to Athena, but so far no traces of her rapist. No footprints, no fingerprints, no car number, no name, nothing. Did she say anything about him, when she woke up?”

“Not at all. She got enormously panicked, when I bent over to kiss her. I think she recalled him in this moment or something like that.” – said Bobby with sadness. 

“Yeah, obviously. So did you notice anything special about her or near her, when you found her? Whatever, that will give us a clue or lead aside of things that will be in the medical report?” – Elaine took the pen and notebook from her purse getting ready to write down what Bobby will say. 

Bobby got silent for a minute, recalling what Athena looked like in the pile of garbage. 

“No, I think all I can say will be in her medical report. She was tied, almost naked, wounded, bleeding.. all this.” – Bobby let out a hard sigh. – “I’m sorry, Elaine, but she will never ever take part in ANY undercover operations until the end of my life.” – His voice cracked. 

Elaine understood his rage. Until they find the rapist, Bobby would tend to blame the police embodied by Elaine, in all the horror, that his wife went through. “Of course, Bobby, you’re absolutely right.” – she confirmed. 

“Here, Cap, I thought coffee wouldn’t hurt now.” – Eddie handed him a paper coffee mug. 

“Thanks, Eddie. Guys you can be free, I’ll stay here to wait for the doctor. Thank you so much for being here for us.” – No matter how grateful he was to them, there was no need to hold all team in the hospital, it was his own job as a husband. 

“We will stay here with you, until it’s clear what is her state, Cap.” – insisted Hen. Eddie, Buck and Chim nodded in support. 

“Is Mr.Grant here?” – They heard the voice of the doctor, who just got into the lobby.

“I am.” – Bobby replied. – “I’m Mr.Nash, Athena Grant’s husband. How is my wife doing?”. – He introduced himself. This mess with last names was annoying sometimes. 

“Well, there is good and bad news.” – started the Doctor. – “By the way, my name is Dr.Evans, Tanya Evans.” – Bobby nodded in acknowledgement. – “Good news is – your wife is alive and there are no direct threats to her life. The bad news – some of her wounds will heal for a very long time and some internal organs are damaged. I’m pretty sure they will heal the physical damage. As I’ve seen many victims of the rape from my experience you should pay even more attention to her psychological state. She seems very depressed and very hostile at the same time. It will discourage you to the core, but all that you really can help her with – is your unlimited patience.” – pointed Dr.Evans. 

“I think I’m good at that department, thank you.” – Bobby smiled confidently. He didn’t care how long he’ll need to be super-patient. Hell, he was ready to deny all of his needs, just for Athena to be healthy and alright. 

“Good luck with that.” – Dr.Evans narrowed her eyes incredulously. – “Now she’s sleeping under the medication, but as soon as she’s awake, you can see her.”

“Thank you so much!” - Bobby shook Dr.Evans’ rubber-gloved hand. – “Oh, Doctor, sorry, I wanted to ask if I may know what the medical report said about her injuries?”

Dr.Evans, who was about to leave, turned back to Bobby again. “Yes, you and I may discuss her medical reports. But you should be prepared – it will be the hard reading. You were warned. Follow me.”

What Bobby got to know from the medical report was indeed hard. He couldn’t even imagine how Athena handled the amount of pain which caused all the injuries. He tried not to think about the rapist, otherwise, the uncontrollable rage would make him find and kill the dirtbag with his bare hands, but Athena doesn’t need him in jail, she needs him here beside her. And he will focus on that. 

Bobby sat near Athena’s bed for two hours already. She was plastered with tubes and needles. Her face features seem to be peaceful and if not the bruises under the left eye, on the cheek and on the corner of her mouth, he would say she’s having her regular sleep. He could anticipate countless nightmares after the medication would be gone though. But he was so determined to be a rock for her and go through the difficult healing process together. He silently kissed the parts of her skin that were free from tubes and wounds. He loved her so much. He prayed Lord that his love and love of her kids and friends would be enough for her to get back to her old self. 

TBC................................................................................


	4. Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Athena's healing process after thaumatic events that she went through

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've made this chapter as a collection of drabbles, because for me it was the best way to show the process of healing from the different angles. I'm not really fully satisfied with it, but that was all that I had skills for.  
> I have no experience of the rape and its aftermath myself, but I've read many rape-victims' stories and had conversations with couple of girls, so I hope to make it believable. Sorry for whatever you won't like.  
> I did try hard to have in mind Athena's character and not to put in her something that is not peculiar to her. But maybe I failed, I don't know.  
> Thank you everybody, who read, "liked" and commented. God bless your kind hearts!

Bobby fell asleep near Athena’s bed. His head was leaned on the side rail of the bed and mouth was half-opened. He looked a little bit silly, which made Athena smile, but as soon as she smiled, she immediately felt pain in the corner of her lips that was wounded. That made her remember. She was staring at Bobby for some time until he suddenly woke up.

“Athena!” – he exclaimed. – “You woke up! How are you, baby?”

“Better than I was a little while ago I guess.” – Athena answered dryly. – “Am I on the painkillers? How bad are injuries?”

“They are… bad.” – Bobby hesitated. – “But nothing life threatening, they will all heal. Yeah, you are definitely on the painkillers.”

“Aren’t you mad at me that I didn’t listen to you?” – Athena’s eyes were still a bit anxious of Bobby’s reaction. He begged her not to participate in.

“I perfectly aware that I would act the same if I was in your shoes. Please, love, my only concern now is your well-being.” – answered Bobby quietly. – “…What’s in your mind now?” – He asked after the pause.

“I’m okay until the MEMORIES come…” – Athena almost whispered. – “I’m gonna be a bad wife for a long period of time, Bobby… I’m sorry…”

“I don’t care about good or bad wives, I need YOU to just BE, okay? – Bobby squeezed Athena’s hand.

“Okay…”

***

Alarm clock woke Bobby up, but Athena was laying in their bed awake for quite some time. 

“Morning, babe. How long have you been awake already?” – Bobby asked.

“Hey…” – Athena pecked him in the lips. – “Not too long. Would you bring me to Dr.Bowman before your shift starts? He scheduled the session at 9:30 a.m.”

“The therapist? You finally decided to go?” – Bobby was thrilled. Three months after being released from the hospital, Athena couldn’t even think about going to a therapist. While most of her physical wounds were already healed, she didn’t even start to work under the mental ones.

“Yes. After the first session I’ve seen two other therapists, and I feel like Joe Bowman is the best option for me. I think I need it if I want to stand the trial against this scumbag. I need to be calm when my time to testify will come. I need to be strong.” – Athena said somehow detached.

Bobby nodded. “You do know that I’ll be with you every moment and support you in this, right?” – He stroked her forearm.

“Yeah, thank you.”

***

_Nightmares_

She was seeing his face again. The face with empty glass eyes, that enjoyed watching her suffer. She felt the weight of his body leaning on her and not letting her breathe. She felt his aggressive hands that hurt her and touched her without her permission. A rough force that tried to demolish her like if she was a useless piece of trash. His abusive, creepy words rang again and again in her ears. “Athena!” – she heard a voice, that tried to remind her who she was through the horror. She was Athena Grant , who has to overcome everything. She’s Athena Grant who has to be stronger than regular humans, because she’s a police sergeant. She’s Athena Grant, whose kids need her to stay strong as their mother.

“Athena! Please, wake up.” – Bobby turned on the lamp and started to carefully stroke Athena, while she was flouncing and tossing on her side of the bed. – “You’re safe, my love, it’s just a nightmare.” – He said gently embracing her in his arms.

She finally got free from the viscous nightmare and sat on the bed. Tears were still streaming and her heart raced frantically. Bobby gently laid his hand on Athena’s back, trying to hug her.

“NO!!! Please!! Don’t touch me!!” – she almost jumped out of his touch.

She got out of the bed, went to the bathroom and washed her face with a cold water. The coolness of the water’s stream helped to fully get back to the reality. She got back to the bedroom where Bobby was observing her from the bed, took her pillow and spare blanket heading to the sofa in the living room.

“Thena, where are you going?” – Bobby began to stand from the bed following her.

“Please, don’t follow me, stay here.” – Athena turned around. Pale face, dry voice. – “I need to be by myself now, please, Bobby.”

“Okay…”

***

While Athena wasn’t working, Bobby tried to take as much additional shifts as he could. Especially because Athena seemed to not noticing him at all, when he was at home. She was very closed inside, shutting him off every time when he tried to get closer. This time wasn’t any different. Bobby collected his stuff after the end of the shift and sat on the bench in the locker room, thinking should he go home at once or give Athena an extra-hour without him. Hen came in noticing him, just like she did, when he hesitated after Athena offered him to move in.

“What got you thinking so hard, Bobby? Why don’t you rush home?” – Hen asked.

“I don’t feel Athena needs me there, frankly. So I just think maybe to sleep in the car for an hour, to give her more space…”- Bobby replied thoughtfully.

“I thought she’d rather be anxious to stay alone in the house.” – Told Hen in disbelief.

“I did too. But in fact she just avoids communication. Like if I’m in the one room, she goes away to another. Very often she wakes up at night and leaves our bed to sleep on the sofa. We never used separate covers earlier, but now we have to. And even when she’s in bed with me, she tries to stay on the edge of it as far away from me as possible.” – Bobby stated as a matter of fact.

“How are you handling it? It’s pretty frustrating I would say…” – Hen was genuinely surprised.

“It is. But I was warned that she’ll be like this. Her doctor said at once that she’ll be hostile and depressed, and jumpy if I’d try to touch her, and emotionally distant. I think she’s working through her trauma the only possible way. I promised to stay by her side no matter what, that was my vow, so..

“Is she seeing the therapist?” – Dear God, Hen was worried for her friends.

“First months she didn’t want to even hear about it. Told me she’ll make through it herself. But now, after police caught the dirtbag and they are preparing a trial, where she should stand firm, she started visiting Dr.Bowman. Did you hear about him? He’s very known inside LAPD…” – Bobby’s voice lit with hope.

“Yeah, I heard about him a lot. Positive things. Thank God she started visiting him.” – Now things sounded better for Hen.

“Yeah…” – Bobby nodded in agreement.

“How do you cope with no intimacy? If I dare to ask…” – Said Hen carefully. She knew Bobby isn’t a sex addict, but it is a hard test for any man.

“I’m okay, it’s the least of my worries. I promised Athena, that even if she never won’t be able to have sex again, I‘ll still stay with her. I love her… I wish I could help more…” – Bobby's voice got quiter and almost cracked.

“You’re doing enough, believe me.” – Hen came closer to him laying her hand to his shoulder. – “There is no place, where Athena wouldn’t come back from. She's stubborn and strong like a devil. She’ll get back to her old self, you'll see.”

***

It was warm and sunny Saturday, when Bobby decided to take kids to the baseball game. LA Dodgers played today, so Bobby, Harry and May promised Athena to be at home no later than 4 hours after the game. Following her old tradition, Athena invited Hen to have a little of girl time with her bestie.

“Hey, girl, why didn’t you go to see Dodgers?” – Hen greeted Athena kissing her cheek.

“I’m not feeling good in crowds now.” – Athena looked somehow tired kissing Hen back. – “Besides, Bobby loves to have kids all for himself. I thought I’d better enjoy the silence and peace here in your company.”

“What do you mean, he loves to have kids for himself? Are you guys having problems?” – Hen tried not to intervene too much in her friend’s family life, but she was worried for them.

“Not that we have problems…” – started Athena reluctantly when they settled behind the table. – “The problem is me… I’m not coping with the… you know, what happened to me, as well as I expected from myself.”

“Look, nobody expected you to act like nothing happened. You should take your time. I’m sure Bobby understands it.” – Hen reassured her.

“He understands it, but he has needs. Needs, which I can not meet at all.” – Athena covered her eyes with her palm. – “I can’t help it, I feel so guilty in front of him… That I didn’t listen to him when he protested about the damn operation… That I feel bad when he tries to hug me… When he’s out, the pressure of this guilt isn’t that strong…”

“Did you mention it all to your therapist?” – asked Hen with concern in her voice, adding the tea to Athena’s mug.

“Not yet. We have enough of work with the…rape itself…” - Athena announced it with visible effort. – “I want to forget it, to block it away, Hen. Because when I recall it, a whole tornado of broken glass starts spinning inside my head… I'm starting to choke…But doctor says that I should live all these feelings through and accept it instead of blocking... I feel so much hatred towards all men, you know… I don’t want Bobby to hear this.”

“I think whatever you’ll say is better for him, than the silence. He feels useless. He sleeps in the car for several hours after the shift, because of the fear of bothering you… Tell him your feelings.” – Hen was trying to catch an eye-contact with Athena. – “You have bags under your eyes. Are you not sleeping at night?”

“Nightmares…If only I allow myself to fall asleep into a deep sleep, I have nightmares… I wake up and then can’t sleep the rest of the night.” – Athena confessed. During their conversation she was eating caramel sweets. There was a whole bunch of wrappers formed on the table.

“Are these making you feel better?” – Hen pointed on candies.

“Yes. I never was fan of the sweets, but now these are my saving grace.” - Athena replied. – “Guilty as charged.”

“Ahh, stop feeling yourself guilty all the time. It’s still better than smoking. Or drinking, God forbid.” – Hen stood up to boil another portion of their green tea.

“Sometimes, I’m so eager to drink to oblivion… To forget everything, to sleep without the dreams… “

“Forgetting everything without accepting it and forgiving yourself won’t do you any good, Athena.” – Hen took Athena’s hand into hers.

Athena closed her eyes. She knew how the therapy of the rape victim supposed to work like. But she never knew it’s so hard when it comes to your own self, not to some other person. 

***

Staying home all the time was exhausting for Athena. She wanted to get back to her normal life, but she didn’t know how to do her job without the self-confidence, that she always had, but now lost.

This time, after the session at Dr.Bowman, she decided to obey to the impulse and visit her station. She thought she could always use Rick Romero as an excuse.

At the entrance she made his favorite coffee. With sugar. Rick sat behind his desk immersed in a pile of papers.

“Hey,” – Athena greeted her colleague handing him the paper mug with coffee. – “It’s with sugar.”

“Athena!” – Rick sounded as excited as he was seeing Athena at work. – “What are you…? Are you getting back?”

“Um, no.. No, not yet.” – Athena smiled shyly. – “I just missed you and the station, and the feeling… Was passing by and couldn’t help, wanted to visit you. How are things here?”

“Just as usually. Dirtbags keep committing the crimes and giving us work.” – Rick smiled widely, he was genuinely happy to see her. – “This place is really missing you, Sergent. I have no one to bet whether Rodriguez will come in crumpled uniform or ironed.”

Both laughed. It was their tradition – to put bets on the state of their colleague’s uniform. Athena claimed that she feels his life cycles and can predict how he’ll come. Rick’s bets were always random.

“I miss you all too.” – answered Athena with regret.

“So why don’t you come back? Doctor doesn’t allow you?” – Rick asked.

“Actually, I don’t think I’m ready, Rick.” – Athena said quietly. – “I failed an operation. Am I capable for this job at all?”

A great surprise fleshed Rick’s face. “What?! Are you serious?” – He exclaimed probably too loud as couple of guys turned their heads to him. – “Athena, it was NOT your failure!”

“Shh, don’t be so loud.” – Athena definitely didn’t need an attention of all the Department to this subject. – “And whose failure it huh, if not mine? I should have been more cautious.. How could I let a stranger to take me to someone’s house, when I was without my weapon? Probably I just lost my concentration… and my instincts failed me…” – Her eyes got moist.

“Athena, each of us have moments, when we make mistakes. It doesn’t mean you’re not capable!” – Rick protested with all of his passion.

“I don’t know…” – Athena exhaled. – “I don’t feel like I’ll ever be able to come back to patrol…”

“But you always can revisit my offer about Lieutenant position. Care to go to my office to discuss it?” – Elaine seems to appear out of nowhere.

“Oh.. yeah.. Hello, Elaine.” – Athena replied stunned by how unexpectedly her boss showed up.

She stood up, waved 'bye' to Rick and followed Elaine to her office.

Elaine may swear to herself, that she never ever saw Athena Grant in such a state. Her inner mood felt like deflated balloon. Her eyes weren’t sparkling with the usual Athena’s confidence and determination.

“How are you doing, Athena?” – Elaine asked gently.

“…Not as good as wanted to, honestly…” – Athena answered after the pause looking away. – “I didn’t mean to disturb y’all, guys, I just… missed that place…” – she half-smiled, but her eyes remain sad.

“This place misses you too, Athena.” – stated Elaine firmly. – “I’m sure, Rick gave you a perfect picture of that. But I understand your uncertainty. …I never told you, but I went through rape myself too. I was very young and it wasn’t on duty… I know what you feel…”

“Oh, Elaine, I’m so sorry…” – Athena exclaimed.

“It’s okay, it was long ago, I accepted it.” – Elaine studied Athena’s expression. – “It’s not your fault that operation went wrong, okay? Forget it. We shouldn’t leave you alone even on such a short distance from the van to your car. We should have assumed that Walter is following us. It was a mistake of the planners, not yours as an executive.”

“Is Walter his real name?” – Athena raised her head.

“Yes. The dirtbag was too self-assured, didn’t even try to hide it. But we caught him. Eventually with your help, because you were the only victim on whom he left his… DNA.” – Elaine definitely had some experience with rapes, Athena thought. She was sensitive enough to not call maniac’s sperm this exact word, because she knew how all these nuances reflects on a victim’s sexuality.

“Thank you, Elaine. Still I don’t feel confident enough that I can protect another person, if I couldn’t protect myself.”

“I understand what you mean. But you still can use your analytical detective skills though. Athena, you have such an experience, it’s priceless. And it’s needed. And you can use it having the mostly office kind of job. And even if you’d go to the field, you’ll have a decent male backup partner with you. “ – Elaine reassured.

“The only thing is that I will have a new boss…” – quietly objected Athena. – “Who wouldn’t be so understanding to my emotional state as you, right?”

“I know the Head of the Robbery Homicide Department, it is a woman. A black woman that's little bit older than you. I think you’ll have a good collaboration.” – Elaine took a glass from the table and poured water into it. – “And besides, it is a job, that you love and able to do really great, Athena…”

“I appreciate your care, I really do. I will think of that. How much of the time do I have?” – Athena was deeply grateful to Elaine, who always had her back as much as she could.

“They have a staff shortage, they can’t close a vacancy for six months already.” – Elaine took a sip of the water. – “So you have some time. But I’ll let them know you are seriously thinking about this, okay?”

“Yeah, thank you, boss.” – Athena’s face started to gain her usual color. The interest for the new job opportunity raised inside of her. Maybe it’s not a bad option after all. – “Hey, just a question. If I won’t fit in the Robbery Homicide, will you ever let me get back to you, when I'm ready?”

“I’ll be honored. Always.”

***

Dr.Joe Bowman wasn’t sure he made a right decision, when he agreed to meet a husband of one of his clients. He felt unsure about the ethic’s side of the deal, but hadn’t a gut to turn down the Captain of LAFD. The man seemed very humble and disciplined, so Dr.Bowman genuinely hoped to not betray Athena’s medical secrecy by talking with him.

“So, Mr.Nash, what made you come here to me?” – The doctor started.

“The fact that you are the therapist of my wife, Dr.Bowman. I sincerely need your advice.” – Bobby responded anxiously.

“But you have to know that our conversations with your wife are completely private and I can’t discuss it with you, until it’s a life or death matter? “ – Pointed the doctor.

“Yeah, yes, of course. I’m not going to ask you what she tells you on your sessions. I’m visiting the therapist myself on a regular basis. …You know, because of the job, I have almost daily challenges and I’m a recovering addict, so I try to keep it under the constant control.” – Bobby rubbed the back of his head.

“That’s very wise from you.” – Nodded Dr.Bowman. – “Athena is admiring your dedication to the sober lifestyle and your self-care…”

Bobby smiled flattered.

“So when I was talking to my therapist about our… issues with Athena, she advised me to ask your opinion about certain things that I want to clarify with her… I mean after the operation and what happened she’s fragile and her psychological well-being is my priority. So I just want to know if you think she’s ready to deal with some of my questions…”

Dr.Bowman slowly thoughtfully nodded. “Okay. I think I can talk to you from this perspective. What are the issues that you’ve mentioned?”

“Well… I know how deeply she’s traumatized, but it’s 7 months passed already and she still doesn’t let me touch her AT ALL... I mean, not sexually. Just a simple hug. Or massage. Or stroking a hand. She’s very jumpy and uncomfortable with me physically. And together with being pretty closed inside and distant emotionally I feel like she sends me signs that…that maybe she doesn’t want me by her side anymore?” – Bobby’s voice cracked as he felt a lump in his throat.

“Did you try to ask her directly?” – The doctor took his rosary from the table and began to sort it out.

“I said: “Athena, please, talk to me, what is so wrong about the touch for you?”, and she told “I’m sorry, I can’t talk about it, please, let me go” and just left the room.” – Bobby answered sadly.

“I think you might guess that physical contact triggers awful memories…” – started Dr.Joe.

“Yes, but how can I help if she doesn’t want to even talk to me? We barely are speaking to each other lately. And all our so-called “conversations” are only about current household affairs. She doesn’t talk about her feelings or dreams, or whatever’s going on inside her mind. I honestly feel like I myself was a rapist, so that’s why are her reactions with me…” – Bobby had to confess he was enormously frustrated.

“Maybe she’s just trying to save you this way from herself? To save your relationships from her emotional landslides, from feelings that may hurt you…” – Reflected the doctor.

“I swear, I’d be way more calm if she’d just talk to me. If she would speak out loud whatever awful she feels or thinks. This silence, her shutting me off every time I try to approach her, drives me crazy, honestly. I think I’m on the edge… I promised her to stay by her side no matter what. And I’m determined to do so. But… I just don’t know how to hold it all together in this weird silence…” – Bobby’s lump in the throat made him finish his emotional speech otherwise he’d cry as a child and he didn't intend on it in front of Athena’s therapist.

“Okay, okay, Mr.Nash, tell you what.” – Dr.Bowman understood that the husband feels too shitty already for his client’s peace. – “I will prepare Athena that you will talk to her about certain subjects that bother you to the unbearable extent. But please, have in mind, that all her reactions now aren’t about you. All of those strong awful feelings that she’s trying to cope with are about another man. Don’t take it personally. I know how hard it is and you are doing very wise visiting your therapist and talking to her about your feelings. But believe me, it is hundred times harder for Athena.”

“Okay, thank you, Doctor, I got you. So I will try to talk to her in a week, right?” – all in all Bobby felt somehow relieved.

“Yes. And be very gentle. Choose your words very carefully. Don’t force anything if she’s protesting., no matter how ridiculous and absurd it may sound.”

“Okay…”

***

Two weeks passed since Bobby had been spoken to Dr.Bowman. He didn’t dare to start a conversation that he planned with Athena, because somehow her behavior has changed. Not significantly, but she seemed more caring of Bobby than she was earlier. She told him about her new job offer, shared with him all her doubts and fears. She started to ask how was his day again – a long time forgotten practice. Bobby treasured these changes very carefully. It gave him energy to handle all the other frustrating stuff.

Athena on the other hand still had problems with sleeping and nightmares were still present.

It was one of those countless nights when Bobby woke up in the darkness not finding Athena on her side of the bed. The sheets were cold and the dim light penetrated the door from the living room. Sometimes he chose to not bother her with his presence, other times he tried to talk to her, but never succeed. This time he decided to try to talk to her again.

“Hey babe,” – He announced his presence entering the living room.

Athena sat in the arm-chair clutching the torso with her hands and bowing her head, apparently in deep thought.

Bobby carefully laid his hand on her shoulder. “Can’t sleep again?”- it wasn’t a question, but rather statement. – “What are you thinking about?” – He tried.

Athena turned to him scratching her ear. “We both are in white…” – she smirked after a pause.

“Yeah…” – Bobby gently stroked her shoulder under the white fabric of her robe. His boxers weren’t white though, but his T-shirt was and it felt uniting them now.

“You don’t want to know my thoughts, Bobby.” – She said slowly. – “It will be awkward between us if I’ll tell you just everything. It will hurt you… I just try to wait when all those feeling will leave…”

“Why do you think I’m so weak that I couldn’t cope with that? The obscurity is hurting me much more…” – Bobby squeezed Athena’s elbow encouraging her to talk to him anyway.

“Okay. You asked this yourself, you were warned.” – Athena uttered dryly and almost angrily. – “How about that I feel hatred towards all men now? Especially towards white men? How about that all the horror comes alive when I’m being touched? How about that I feel disgust with myself and a huge guilt for getting into this mess..?.. Look, I’m working on all of that… I work as hard as I can. But it feels like I only made a half of this way so far… “

“I know, I know, ‘Thena, and it’s okay for me when you are saying all this… Even if you say you hate me because I remind you about him – is better for me than your silence…” – Bobby’s voice was soft and enveloping. Athena watched him in the eyes after avoiding his sight for some time.

“I am sorry, Bobby. It feels like all my feelings are wrong and unfair now.” – Tears were audible in her voice.

“But they are your feelings and we’re gonna respect them. And we’re gonna feel them all to the end, okay?” – Bobby looked like a daddy who comforted his baby-girl. That made Athena snort.

“Bobby, don’t talk to me like I’m a child.” – She tried to sound strict and firm, but smile peeped through her tears.

“You’re not a child, no, you’re my favorite girl on the entire Earth.” – Bobby pronounced dreamily. – “And you can say you hate me all you want. Just say it, just set you free from this.”

“It’s not you, whom I hate. You don’t deserve it… It’s just that I have an instinct to put all of this on your head. And I have to resist this instinct.” – After their light jokes Athena looked confused and sad again.

“Stop resisting it. It takes all of your energy and it's holding you captive. Honey, I promise I’m ready. I just know it will make you feel better eventually.” – Bobby wasn’t as sure as he sounded, but he had a gut feeling that this strategy should help.

“Okay, I will think about it… I know I’m being so difficult and hard on you… Sometimes I’m afraid that you are secretly planning our divorce…” – Athena confessed. – “The fear is so big and so consuming, that makes me want to kick you away first, before you announce it…” 

Bobby was truly puzzled by her confession.

“A divorce?? Are you…? Oh well, baby, seriously, HOW this could even come to you? My wedding vows mean the world to me. I promised you to stay by your side no matter the hardship we will make it through. Just until you want me here… It’s the truth, there were moments, when I felt useless and unwanted… You didn’t notice me for weeks… All I ever wanted is to make you talk to me – that’s all.. Not a divorce.”

For a minute they were watching each other, exchanging silent messages through their eyes.

“I have an idea, that I beg you to not turn down at once and give it a chance…” – Bobby knew he was luckier today than he could expect, but he decided to risk again. – “Let me give you a little massage. Let’s start from the parts which you can see… Feet, for example…”

Bobby knew it provoked Athena to panic when he tried to hug her from behind and she couldn’t actually see his hands.

“I promise to stop if it will feel unbearable.” – Bobby promised. – “I just think it’s the only way to gain back our tactility… To make you recall that touching can be pleasant.”

Athena froze in uncertainty. She couldn’t decide how she felt about Bobby’s offer.

Meeting no immediate resistance, Bobby decided to not waste a time. He took Athena’s legs and put them on his laps. Her feet were cold from the coolness of the night and little wind that came into the room from the patio. The warmth of Bobby’s hands slowly made Athena feel a bit more relaxed than she was. She still didn’t feel any kind of enjoyment, but it didn’t call an animalistic panic inside her either.

“Can I move higher? To your ankles?” – Bobby asked. He had no accurate understanding of what to do, but he acted on a hunch, which told him to ask Athena’s permission on every little something.

She thought for a moment.

“No… No, please, don’t. I guess it’s enough for today, thank you.” – She said.

Bobby obeyed immediately. Athena needs to see that nothing is going without her wish.

“Maybe you’ll try to sleep now?” – Bobby offered, getting up from the squat on which he sat all this time.

“Yeah.. Let’s go.” – Athena answered. – And Bobby…” She stood trying to inhale deeply and straighten her shoulders. – “Thank you… You’re the best husband.”

Athena hesitated for a second and awkwardly pecked Bobby in lips.

God only knew how happy was Bobby about the progress that they’ve made this night.

TBC......................................................................


	5. The ray of light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slowly but surely Athena is getting back from the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for a long pause before I finished the final chapter. I tried my best to make it interesting and believable. I'm not satisfied with it 100%, but I'm never satisfied with my works, so I just decided to post it anyway to finish this story. Sorry for whatever you won't like. I don't own any copyrights except my language mistakes. Still hope it will entertain you at least a bit. Thank you everyone, who read, "liked" and commented! You support means A LOT!!

No matter how hard Athena worked through her trauma, she still didn’t feel 100% ready for the trial. She spent hours thinking how will she react when she’ll see Walter’s face right in front of her. She was afraid, that huge amount of emotions could deprive her from standing firm and logical. 

It was even more scary, because she knew that the jerk hired the best lawyers to defend him in court. And she knew of cases when these lawyers won even having all the evidence against their clients. And Athena Grant just couldn’t allow that bastard to avoid justice. She had to be sound the way, that all the jurors would be understanding of her side.

She thought over her speech and her answers again and again. She even thought of all possible options and the lawyer’s questions and their tricks. She still had issues with talking about the situation with close friends, not to mention an audience of strangers. 

Everyday she was buried into her thoughts and seemed to not notice even kids. The closer the date of her testimony was the more tense she became. 

This evening was quiet and warm. The kids were at Michael and Josh. Bobby couldn’t be happier about how it turned out for those too. Not only did Michael recover from sustained remission using new experimental medicines. But also he and Maddie’s colleague Josh, the dispatcher, met by chance and started to date eventually. Josh was way too traumatized with his latest personal failures and didn’t see Michael as a possible partner from the start. Michael also was too occupied by the state of his health and accommodating his life to the limitations that he now had to have. Both started to communicate in the gym. They liked each other and after some time with the huge surprise discovered they had a bunch of common buddies. They’ve been friends for several months until the conversation went in the personal life direction. Both were resistant to the idea to date each other as it seemed too corny: well, yes, they both are gay and both are single, so what? Should they date because of that? But time passed and as they got used to each other, the idea stopped feeling boring and awkward. Josh ended up moving in to Michael’s, and this week they happily had May and Harry at their place. 

Bobby would be happy if he could use the free evenings for spending the quality time with Athena, but she was only focused on the upcoming court. It was understandable but still Bobby tried to distract her as much as he could. 

“Babe, how do you feel if we watch “Wildest Latin America” series on Animal planet now?” – He suggested. He didn’t offer her any fiction movies or shows, but stuff about nature or space always calmed her down.

Athena woke up from her thoughts. It wasn’t a bad idea she decided. Usually during these informative movies she was dozing off onto Bobby’s shoulder or either dwelling in her thoughts. But still it felt like they were spending the time together. 

“Sure, let’s watch it.” – She agreed, settling near Bobby on the sofa while he was starting the movie.

“You all are into your thoughts about the court case, huh?” – He wasn’t going to deny the obvious. – “Come on love, you already thought out everything thoroughly. What is it that still makes you think so hard?”

“The way I will handle my emotions.” – Athena confessed. – “The lawyers will try to confuse me. They will push my buttons hoping I will make mistakes and violate the logic, so they could use it to set me up as an unreliable witness.”

“You’re not a witness, baby, you’re a victim. Nobody expects you to be completely cold and logical. I don’t know what could be a stronger evidence, than his fuckin’ DNA…” – Bobby said. 

“Trust me, you never know how the defense would act, but their job is to make victims look like unstable weirdos, who provoked poor innocent rapists to lose control.” – objected Athena. 

“I’m sure, you’ll hold it all together. You are the strongest woman I know, sweetheart. Be sure, you will be okay.” – Bobby tried to sound as encouraging as possible. 

“I appreciate your faith in me Bobby, really.. but I can’t help it, I’m a stretched string now, I can’t relax.” – Athena responses quietly. 

“It’s okay, I understand.” – Bobby reassured her. 

They watched the documentary about outlandish beasts for 1.5 hours until both understood that they better move themselves towards the bed to sleep. 

***

When the trial began, Bobby took his seat in the court making sure Athena would easily catch an eye contact with him from her tribune. The process went as expected from the start. The lawyers were predaceous every minute trying to find a gap in the testimonies of prosecution witnesses and inflate the smallest inaccuracies to enormous proportions. But all the people held themselves decently and Bobby felt the jurors were far from the idea to justify the maniac.

When Athena’s turn had come, Bobby felt his inner tension increased. Athena’s face was pale and her eyes were extinct. His poor girl, his heart was bleeding for her. He forbids himself thinking that the bastard who hurt her so bad is ten steps away from him. Otherwise, he won’t be able to suppress the desire to kill him right now with his bare hands. But Athena was forced to look at him and to point at him as at her rapist. Bobby could only guess what was in her mind now. 

Athena was truly shocked when she raised her head and noticed Walter’s face. Bobby couldn’t see it from his seat, but Athena only had to guess whose “brilliant” idea it was: her rapist looked pretty much like Bobby now. The haircut, the clothes, even facial features reminded her of Bobby. Athena felt she started to shake. She quickly averted her eyes from him, trying to focus on her answers. But felt how her brain turned into mash. 

Answering lawyers questions from time to time she caught herself thinking, what if she just stood up now, come closer to him and will beat him as much as she can and scratch his face. The scumbag has no right to steal her husband’s look, she thought. The only idea, that her actions may prevent him from being judged, had held her on the chair. 

No matter how hard the lawyers tried to confuse her and convict her of inconsistencies, many years of being the police Sergeant made themselves felt. She kept her composure and even some kind of detachment without ever losing her line.

The thing that Athena was afraid the most, didn’t happen to her in fact. She was afraid that memories of that night and fear of the dirtbag would consume her, but she only felt a disgust. 

After the trial she felt devastated. Walter and his accomplice were both convicted for the majority of their crimes and sentenced to life imprisonment. Athena didn’t feel satisfied. She hoped so much that she would feel relieved, but she didn’t. She may even say that she didn’t want to go home with Bobby, who waited for her at the exit from the courtroom. But she knew she should talk to him and explain herself as they agreed that she will never shut him off to the silence. 

“How are you, baby?” – Bobby rushed to ask Athena as soon as she was near him. 

“I’m.. I’m weird, honestly… Bobby, can we walk somewhere outside, I don’t want to go home now… Feels like walls are pressuring on me.” – She exhaled. 

“Sure. Where are we going?” – Bobby understood, now it’s the time to deal with the aftermath. 

“Wherever you see… To some uninhabited field. I need a wide open space in front of me.”- Athena said trying to breathe deeply like Dr.Bowman taught her. 

Bobby drove out of the town and stopped his car as soon as he noticed the glade with a nice view. 

They sat in the silence for a while. 

“It’s so hard to talk.” – Athena began. – “Don’t be mad at me… It feels like I swallowed all the words. I don’t feel relieved. What if he escapes from prison and finds me again? I hoped they both would get a death penalty.”

“They had the best lawyers, darling. The maximum security prison is also a good punishment, believe me. Jerks like them most likely get killed there by their “pals”” – Bobby tried to calm Athena down. 

Athena slowly nodded and sighed. She knew this. Still she didn’t feel like she could breathe again. 

“I thought all this would end today.” – She uttered. 

“It’s gonna be alright, babe, give yourself more time… “ – Bobby answered gently. – “When will you start to work in Robbery Homicide?”

“In three days I guess…” – Athena knew the new job would be a good distraction, but she had no good news for Bobby. – “I gotta tell you something very frustrating…”

“Anything…”- Bobby encouraged her. – “Just say it.”

“I know you couldn’t see from your place, but this scum Walter did everything possible today to look as much as you… The hair, the shirt, he even shaved his damn face… I wish I had never seen him like that. I’m sure he did it on purpose. He knew he wasn't able to scare me too much, but this…” –Athena looked at her husband with a silent supplication in her eyes. – “I’m sorry, I know it’s hard for you, but.. I’m just so far from being physical now…”

“Don’t worry about that.” – Bobby’s voice was firm even if he hiddenly moaned inside in desperation out of understanding that his needs at this department still were going to be frustrated for an indefinite amount of time. “It should be the least of your worries, my love.” – He reassured her. – “I told you even if you will never get back to the sex life, I still want to be with you every second, Athena.”

Athena was thankful to her husband for such patience, but what man can sacrifice himself this long, she thought. 

They spent more than an hour walking through the glade in a comfortable silence and then went back home. The trial was finally over.

***

After the trial, step by step the life started to get back to its normal. Athena was eager to start her new work as a Lieutenant detective in the Robbery Homicide Department. Her new boss wasn’t a whole sweetness, but she was a badass and both women quickly realized their similarity. 

The work was even more exciting because Athena could forget there about her own inner struggle that still was with her. She was still struggling with emotional aftermath of the rape and the trial. Diving into someone else’s tragedies was hard, but not as hard as into her own. 

In the late evening there was almost nobody in the LAPD HQ building, but Athena and her boss Bethany Mayfair. But even Bethany got out of her office to come home eventually. 

“I didn’t realize you’re still here Athena.” – She exclaimed in surprise. – “Don’t you have a family who waits for you at home?”

“Kids are at my ex-husband’s this week.” – Athena answered shortly. 

“But what about your current husband?” – added Bethany. – “If I dare to ask… I mean, it’s none of my business, but I’ve heard he’s a good man.”

Athena raised her eyes on her boss and stayed silent. 

Bethany studied her for a moment. “Still struggling?” – it was more of a statement than question. 

Athena nodded. Bethany nodded back knowingly. “So are you gonna hide from it for the rest of your life? Letting yourself lose a good man that loves you?” – she asked. 

“I wish I could deal with it another way.” – Athena sighed quietly. – “I feel sorry for Bobby, I know it’s hard for him. But I just… I can’t let him touch me. The memories, the face of the dirtbag appears in my mind again and again… I keep visiting my therapist and we are working on it, but… the progress is terribly slow. Sometimes I feel like I don’t progress at all. At work I at least can distract myself from it.”

“I’m glad to hear this as your boss Athena, but my long experience in the police force taught me that our work is not a whole life. Your life has to be balanced. Otherwise it will affect your work too.” – she stated. – “Here…This is a number of a very good guy”. Bethany pulled out a little paper of a card holder and handed it to Athena. “ He’s a yoga teacher. You know, yoga is not only physical, it works great for our mental state too. You may consider it as an order.” – She smiled.

Athena took the piece of paper and thanked Bethany, who said ‘goodbye’ and left until tomorrow. 

Slowly Athena started to collect her stuff too. 

It was almost midnight when she finally made it to their house. Bobby wouldn’t be worried, because Athena texted him accurately every hour. Texts were short and dry – “I’m at work, will be late”, “Still at work”, “Still at work…”, but at least he was aware that she’s okay.

When she entered the house, Bobby was reading on the couch in the living room. He stood up to kiss her ‘hi’ and to talk to her at least a little bit. 

“How was your day, babe?” – He asked. – “The dinner is warm, waiting for you on the table. I couldn’t decide what to cook and ended up with braised cabbage and potatoes in tomato sauce. Seems nice for my taste.” 

“I’m sure it is, honey don’t worry, I’ll eat whatever you cook with pleasure.” – Athena reassured. 

The food was delicious as always and Athena touched Bobby’s hand to make some connection and to let him know that she’s grateful for caring. Bobby squeezed her hand back. “So how was your day?”

“Oh.. I can’t even remember when it started. Feels like a year has passed since then. We have three difficult cases at once and it’s a craziness all over there… But I made some progress. I think Bethany is satisfied with my results.” 

Bobby nodded. After a pause Athena added “We were the last ones who left the building today. She said I’m a bad wife and suggested that I try yoga classes. She says it has a good influence on people with inner struggles…” She took her purse and pulled out a card with the phone number showing it to Bobby.

“Of course, try it. Yoga wouldn’t hurt, that’s for sure, it’s a good stuff.” – Bobby confirmed. 

“I wouldn’t do it, Bobby” - Athena shook her head. – “I feel bad that it will take up all my spare time… But I hope that if I do this, it will work for our relationship…” – She looked him in the eyes. – “Do you know what I mean?”

“Sure. Don’t worry babe, I wouldn’t go anywhere until you ask me so.” – He answered. 

“Thank you, my ideal husband.” – Athena smiled sadly. She knew how little men on the planet Earth would be able to be so patient with her. And she truly felt bad, that she was still trapped and locked inside her trauma. 

***

Athena started to visit yoga classes almost the next day. Derek, the teacher, appeared to be the nicest person in the world. He was a handsome black man, much younger than Athena, presumably in his late 30’s. He was understanding and considerate as Athena told him her main trouble right from the start. He promised her that she will feel better if she’ll put enough effort and time into their classes. 

Athena was determined to do so. She was very dedicated, never missed a single class, never came late, always prepared and tried her best. It wasn’t easy mainly, it took her months to learn how to meditate and stop the random thoughts that were running inside her mind all the time. 

Bobby could notice she got more relaxed overall, more present in the current moment, less being lost deeply in her thoughts. But what was frustrating is that he barely saw her. She’d rather stay at work till late or was on her yoga classes. Kids didn’t demand too much attention, since May was at college and Harry reached the age when he was more interested in communication with his pals, than in interacting with parents. So the only one person who actually felt abandoned was Bobby. 

He knew he had no right to be upset with Athena about it. She was working through her trauma for the sake of their relationship after all. But no matter how many activities Bobby tried to invent to keep himself busy, he still felt terribly alone in the evenings. 

He kept it all to himself as long as he could, until his therapist refused to talk to him before he stopped lying that he’s “doing okay” and admits his true feelings. After the real talk to his therapist who suggested Bobby join Athena’s yoga classes, Bobby decided to go for reconnaissance to the place Athena was attending. 

He decided to surprise Athena and not to inform her about his plans before he’ll see the place and the coach with his own eyes. 

This day Bobby drove to the building where classes were located 15 minutes later than today’s class was scheduled, because he got stuck in the traffic jam on his way. He knew Athena would be coming directly from work as she took her sport’s bag with her in the morning. Bobby entered the building and found the room, where class was supposed to be. He silently stood near the entrance door evaluating and analyzing what he saw.

Bobby certainly wasn’t prepared that Derek is such a handsome young man, who was so suspiciously attentive to his wife. Athena never mentioned who he was, she always called him “coach Derek” and Bobby thought the man was an old Indian or something like that. 

Athena sat in lotus position on her yoga mat and didn’t see how her husband was watching her, while Derek bent over her half-embracing, fixing the correctness of her posture.

She wasn’t jumpy with Derek’s touches – thought Bobby bitterly. He forgot when it was last time that he actually could embrace Athena this same way without her dodging out of his arms.

He was observing them long enough to understand that all touches were completely innocent and dictated by the exercises. Still Bobby felt jealous. He turned around and rushed back to the house as fast as he could to have time to process his feelings before Athena will come home too. 

He didn’t know if he should talk to Athena or not. He didn’t want her to think that he’s stalking her paranoidly. But after a couple of hours of toiling to calm the bitterness bubbling in his chest, he decided to not let this bomb grow in silence and to explode in the most unexpected moment. 

After Athena got back home and they had dinner discussing their day, Bobby decided to speak about what was bothering him so much. 

“Athena, baby I need to talk to you about one thing… But promise me to not get mad at me, because it’s hard enough for me to dare, to pluck up all my courage for this conversation.” 

“Well… Go ahead…” – Athena could only mumble anticipating something hard and painful after such a preface. She felt her stomach tied into the knot. 

“First of all, please have in mind that I don’t blame you or have any complaints.” – Bobby tried to not lose an eye-contact with Athena. Athena’s tension raised visibly and trembled in the air. – “I felt alone in the evening lately… I missed you even though I try to visit my AA meetings and therapist, and German lessons, and I try to read, to study something new all the time, I watch interesting documentaries.. I meet with friends.. But still all of that can’t replace you for me…”

“Bobby, I’m sorry..” – Athena began to fidget on a chair plunging into the abyss of guilt at the high speed. 

“No, no, listen to me!” – Bobby interrupted her. – “Don’t be sorry, I understand you are struggling. But..well, my therapist suggested joining your yoga classes, but I didn’t tell you right away, thought maybe I’ll surprise you.” 

“Ohhh, Bobby that would be a terrible surprise.” – Athena confessed. – “I go there to work on my most painful emotions and I need to concentrate on it, not to be distracted by your presence.”

That was an unexpected turn, Bobby had to admit to himself. “Oops… I didn’t think about it.” - He shrugged awkwardly. – “Today I was there and was observing your class near the entrance door.”

“Oh..” – Athena couldn’t decide whether it was good or bad news. 

“I didn’t think Derek is so young and handsome.. He hugged you and you didn’t jump away..” – Bobby continued. 

“Bobby!! How dare you?!!” – Athena exclaimed indignantly. – “There was nothing sexual in it!! He was just fixing my posture!!”

“I know!! I know! Hey, don’t yell, I told you I don’t mean to accuse you! “ – Bobby was forced to raise his voice too. – “All I wanted to tell is that I was observing you long enough to understand that everything is business related between you. But I still feel jealous.”

“Then WHAT do you feel jealous about??” – yelled Athena. – “You violated my space! You were secretly following me without saying a word. You were watching me from the keyhole!”

Bobby made a pause. “I didn’t mean to violate your space.” - he said abruptly. – “I missed my wife and wanted to be around – that’s all!”

That was a moment for Athena to make a pause either. She exhaled. “Why don’t you trust me? Why did you got jealous?” – She asked.

“Because I miss you, Athena.” – Bobby repeated. – “I barely see you since you attend yoga classes… And you don’t react as cautious on Derek’s touches as on mine…” 

Athena swallowed a lump in her throat. “Because Derek doesn’t remind me of…HIM…” 

Bobby inhaled loudly, put his head on his hands and sat silently for a couple of minutes before Athena started to speak again.

“Bobby, I understand how torturing and frustrating it feels for you… And believe me I’m not doing it on purpose. Please, don’t try to force this process, you aren’t able to speed it up. Hell, I myself can’t speed it up no matter how badly I want my body to stop being numb and frozen around you.” – tears were heard in her voice. – “I can’t ask you to stay with me if you can’t deal with all this shit anymore, I have no rights to force you. But Bobby, trust me I’m working I’m trying hard to heal and nothing in this world would make me cheat on you!”

“Sorry, baby… Forgive me for feeling that stupid and those doubts…” – whispered Bobby. He felt awful. Twice awful, because his jealousy didn’t go away. Whatever he’d try, his image was alike in Athena’s mind with her rapist’s image. And that wasn’t something that Athena could control reasonably. 

Athena hugged Bobby and the next moment she was crying into his shoulder. What this degenerate Walter did with her – he poisoned not only her life but Bobby’s too, making them both suffer.

Bobby held her as tight as he could, trying to pour in her the feeling of safety that she knew she had in his embrace. 

Bobby didn’t notice when he finally fell into sleep in their bed after several hours of thinking. He held Athena on his chest and tried to find ways to heal her mental state faster. But no matter how hard he tried to think, he understood – he can’t control it. And he had to WAIT. He has to handle and cope. 

***

The usual morning in the Grant-Nash household began with an alarm ring. Athena got up first, took the shower and went to wake up kids. She was going to drop off Harry to school and while the family had breakfast, she dressed herself and was talking to Bobby, counting stuff that he had to buy doing the grocery shopping after his shift. 

They left the house in 10 minutes. Athena brought Harry to school and was driving towards LAPD Headquarters, when waiting for the green light on the crossroad, she didn’t notice a huge truck that rushed right at her car. The driver of the truck fell asleep at the wheel.

Bobby listened to the voice inside his phone that told him bad news about his wife. Bobby came home as a ghost to find an empty house and Athena’s things that she will never use again. Her robe. Her slippers. Her small clay figures that she loved to tug in her hands. Bobby couldn’t understand what’s going on. Suddenly the visions of how he was searching for Athena when she was raped, filled his mind. Streets, streets, corners, walls, never-ending line of crossroads that he and Rick drove through before they found her. Athena’s body in the pile of trash. Was she alive? The blood on the cover… Was she dead? Bobby couldn’t understand anything anymore. Something awful happened to his wife. He didn’t know why, but he felt he would never see her again. That thought tore up him inside. He couldn’t feel it. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t accept it! He never will be able to breathe without her. Wherever he was watching, he saw her image. Wherever he turned around, he heard her voice. Visions mixed into one big painful kaleidoscope. Bobby was sure as hell that he was dying from this pain. Athena’s voice still rang in his ears – “Bobby! Bobby, come on!” 

“Bobby, please, wake up! Bobby, you’re having a nightmare!” – Athena tried to shake Bobby as hard as she could, but he was panting and flouncing in the bad, crying “No! No, no, no, no!! “in his dream. It was painful to see him like this. Athena made a new attempt to wake him up – “Bobby!!! For God sake!”

Bobby finally opened his eyes… He saw Athena…

“Thank God!” – She exclaimed. – “Were you seeing a fire and Marcy with kids again?”

Bobby looked stunned at her, not believing it was happening in reality. Several minutes passed before he was able to hold himself together and to realize that he had a nightmare. 

“N-no…No, it wasn’t about Minnesota.” – He finally answered, wiping tears from his face. 

“Then what?” – Athena sounded surprised. – “I swear to God you suffered so much in a dream that for a minute I even thought of calling 911.”

Bobby sat on the bed sniffing. “The nightmare was about you.” – Bobby started crying again uncontrollably right at once when he recalled his horrific dream again. – “I lost you.”

“Oh my god, honey!” – Athena rushed to embrace Bobby. She stroked his back and hands trying to calm his convulsive sobs. – “But I’m here with you. See, I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere, baby.”

Bobby frantically clutched Athena and seemed never to weaken his embrace. They sat like this for half an hour, until the stress bit by bit started to leave Bobby’s body and he completely calmed down.

“I understood one thing...” – He broke the silence. Athena raised her head from his shoulder to look him in the eyes. 

“I can live whatever you’ll be doing at evenings, no matter how often you’ll be at home, but you need to stay alive.” – Bobby said in a choked voice. – “Wherever you are – at your office, in the class, at Hen’s – you need to stay alive.” He couldn’t help it, tears started to stream again.

“Okay, okay!! Yes, Bobby, I’m alive, please darling, don’t torture yourself with these thoughts, you had enough today.” – Athena coaxed him. It was so hard for her to see Bobby that crushed, that she could hardly restrain herself not to cry.

“Okay, we are done with crying.” – She said firmly. – “Everybody is alive, safe and sound. I love you, Bobby.” Athena said gently and kissed him in the lips. Bobby barely responded, still trying to regain his composure. 

But Athena was surprised to note that she doesn’t freak out of Bobby’s touch anymore…

***

After Bobby’s awful nightmare, Athena seemed to finally lose the barrier with Bobby about being physical. Bobby was happy as a child that he again could hug his wife, cuddle with her and she also oftenly hugged him back. Sex was still off the table though, but after everything they’ve gone through, that was the least of Bobby’s worries.

Also partly because after one of his visits to Dr. Calloway, which he had to make once per three months regularly, Bobby found out that his urine tests possibly showed traces of the radiation again. Dr. Calloway wasn’t sure what it was or whether it was a mistake of the laboratory, but he suggested Bobby not to have sex in order to not infect Athena until they will make sure about the tests. 

Athena accompanied Bobby that day and she heard the doctor's suggestion. Of course, they didn’t tell doctor that they didn’t have sex almost for a year now, just nodded in agreement. 

Surprisingly enough Athena noticed her body reacted to that restriction in an unexpected way - as if the forbidden fruit was sweet. She knew they shouldn’t exchange body’s liquids, but suddenly out of nowhere, Athena wanted to try to have sex with Bobby again. 

She was shocked by her discovery and of course she threw those thoughts away. But since then every time she was around Bobby or they were together in the bedroom, she felt the desire to at least try something. 

This evening they weren’t too exhausted when it was time to prepare for bed. Athena stood in front of the mirror in her robe, applying her night cream and body lotion and Bobby was pacing back and forth re-collecting his clothes in their wardrobe. All Athena was able to think observing him hiddenly is about how freakin’ handsome her man was. He was dressed only in his boxers, didn’t bother to wear a T-shirt as it was pretty hot. 

Before Athena was able to register and realize her actions, she was coming closer to Bobby and the next moment her left hand laid on Bobby’s shoulder and the right one was running through the hair on his chest.

Being pretty much amazed by the gesture, Bobby looked at Athena in surprise. 

“Athena…” – he murmured. 

Athena’s lips touched Bobby’s lips gently. “I just noticed you are too handsome here walking only in your boxers…” – she muttered back.

She pressed her lips against his again and felt the electricity impulses went down her spine. Suddenly she wanted to feel how her bare breasts would press to his hairy chest and as new and unexpected this feeling was, it confused Athena. 

Bobby seemed to read something in her face as he decided not to miss a chance and tried to deepen the kiss with his tongue. They didn’t do it for so many long months… But if Bobby was rather cautious and carefully checked Athena’s response, she was taken aback by the eagerness with which she met Bobby’s initiative. She kissed him and kissed and kissed him again like if her whole life would depend on it, feeling her hips on fire. 

Bobby was the first who interrupted the kiss. “Athena…” – He panted. – “I think we didn’t ask the doctor if radiation can be transferred through the saliva.”

Athena’s face was flashing, she tried to calm her heavy breathing. “Yeah…” - She nodded. – “You’re right, we shouldn’t.”

She was about to move away from Bobby, but he held her tight in his embrace. “Do you want to try sex again?” – He asked, even if he felt himself that Athena was acting spontaneous and barely aware of her actions herself. 

“Yeah, I think so…” – Athena confessed hesitantly. – “But… I want you to know, I wasn’t thinking right now, it was an impulse… Like some kind of tornado… But I wasn’t.. you know…I didn’t have THOSE memories anymore.” 

Bobby was in heaven realizing that the ice had finally broken. Even if Athena will back up, he knew now that she had a ray of desire for him. And he knew that with all his tenderness and love for her, eventually he will completely unfreeze her one day.

~ _ THE END _


End file.
